A Darker Side

This was an email I sent my best friend. I was sharing with her the gripping feeling I get when I become homesick. It's not all sunshine.


Is it normal to feel left out of your life primarily for the reason that I am no longer there to be around you? For the first time during my journey I have truly felt the pains of being away from home, being away from my daily comforts, being away from those I call my friends, being away from family; my blood, and most painful of all; being away from the one I adore. Tell me this is stupid or normal, and that it will soon feel right. I can sense a gravitational force gripping me toward all that I have been accustomed to and it is distracting me from the choice I have made to come here. It is not in the forefront of my mind but hidden in between thoughts. I know it is there but I am either choosing to be blind to it, or unsure of the feelings I have for it. I am not considering coming home at all but I cannot deny that I truly do miss my life I had in California. The “if only” is difficult to cope with but I am aware that it is an illusion not only here but if only I were home as well. It is fascinating how I can dream of life back home and become so enamored with my thoughts that I begin to believe I need to live that life immediately. I only hope in time I will break free from the desire to live the life I had and accept the life I have chosen. There is so much to accomplish, so many relationships to form, and adventures to partake, so many strangers, and so many challenges. I can only feel blessed to have the opportunity to experience this right now. While looking at my past has been painful, I need to look ahead with the same intensity. It is difficult when I worry if you will be a part of that future or not. That insecurity is the manufacturer of all my fears. I wish I could always write with an optimistic outlook and a strong and courageous soul but this vulnerability is something I value as well. I feel more authentic when I can share my fears and doubts with others, it is a way to really connect to people and help one another become aware of the places where we need most help from others. I think I have spent so much of my life trying to see the sunny side that I have completed missed the painful and embarrassing parts of myself and in others as well. If I have failed to see your dark spots I am sorry for not being aware and there to give you some comfort. In my time here I hope to get to know my other half as much as I do my positive half, and in turn become aware of when others are reaching out to me and sharing their deeper selves. This letter started out dark but I think it is helping me address the light associated with it as well. I feel more whole and I am grateful to share it with you. I don’t want to only share with you a list of activities but everything that is going on with in me, I hope you too can share with me what I so desire to know. I can not say how much I appreciate you for reasons that are too long to list but I want to say thank you and I hope you feel empowered by the affect you have had on me and my family. Thank you.